Ano nga ba ang pag-ibig?

Paano nga ba natin masasabing nakita na natin ang taong para sa atin? Yun ba ay kapag bumale balentong na ang sikmura mo tuwing kasama mo sya? Yun ba yung nagagawa mo lahat ng gusto mong gawin dahil sya yung kasama mo? Yun ba yung hindi ka makakilos ng tama dahil katabi mo sya? Yun ba yung natural kang madaldal pero pag sya yung kausap mo, natatameme ka na? Yun ba yung gagawin mo ang lahat para lang magustuhan ka din nya? Yun ba yung kapag nag gm sya ng “Magandang gabi” ay mag lo load ka na? Yun ba yung kaya mong pumunta ng napaka layong lugar para lang makasama sya? Yun ba yung kaya mong magpuyat para maka chat lang sya? Yun ba yung araw araw kang unli dahil araw araw kayong magkatext? Yun ba yung alam mo na hindi ka nya gusto pero patuloy ka paring umaasa? Love, ano nga ba ito?

Sa dami nang mga nabanggit, ilan ang naranasan mo? Siguro ilan sa inyo, madami na yung karanasan sa pag ibig. Pero paano mo masasabing yun yung totoong pag-ibig? Kapag di ka makatulog sa gabi sa kaiisip? O, ano nga ba? Kung lahat nang mga nabanggit nay an ay pinaniniwalaan mong pagibig, grabe naman yatang pagibig yan, nakikita kahit saan.

Parang ang dali ano? Parang ang dali ng lahat, parang ang dali nila makita. Parang ang dali lang mag mahal. Pero alam ko na alam mong hindi.

Saan nga ba natin makikita ang taong para sa atin?

Maaaring siya ay dumadaan sa dorm mo, pero nasa loob ka. Maaring siya ay katabi mo na sa bus pero dahil dumating ang isang kakilala mo, lumipat ka. Marahil katapat mo na sya pero yumuko ka para ayusin yung sintas mo. Marahil nakita mo sya pero sya naman ang hindi nakatingin. Maraming pagkakataon na maaaring nakita mo na yung taong talagang para sayo. Pero sa dinami dami ba naman ng tao sa mundo, aasa ka pa ba talagang makita mo? (Pwede, dahil wala ngang imposible. Diba?)

Sa kabilang banda, marami naman din ang masu swerteng nakita na ang taong para sa kanila. Katulad ng nanay at tatay mo, ng lolo at lola mo, ng nanay at tatay ng pinsan mo, ng lolo at lola ng pinsan mo. At lahat pa ng kilala mong nakatali na. (Pero hindi rin lahat ng kasal ay may pagmamahal na namamagitan).

Nandyan din yung nasa kanila na, pinapakawalan pa. Mahal nga nila, nagkakasawaan naman. Mahal nila isa’t isa, hindi naman tama. Mahal nila isa’t isa, pero nagpapadala sa tukso. Mahal nila isa’t isa pero parehong hindi masaya. Sa sobrang mahal nila ang isa’t isa, nakakasakal na.

Totoong maraming mukha ang pagibig. Mapanglinlang diba? Dahil maraming nagpapalinlang. Masakit diba? Pero maraming masokista. Masarap diba? Pero lahat ng sobra, masama na.

Mapait. Masakit. Pero gusto natin.

Nasa kamay natin kung kailan magmamahal, kung sino ang mamahalin, kung saan at lahat ng meron pa. Nasa desisyon mo lahat kaya wag ka na magreklamo na masakit. Desisyon mo yun, diba? Alam mo na ang epekto ng pagmamahal nayan pero sige pa din. Masaya diba? Masarap diba? Ang sakit diba?

Ang daming tanong

an na ba ang taong naiiwan ng mga mahal nila? Kahit akala nila lahat okay na, biglang isang araw iiwan ka nalang. Kahit akala nila walang mali, biglang isang araw sasabihin sayo na ayaw na nila sayo. Akala mo naibigay mo na lahat pero isang araw hindi na daw sya masaya.

Tapos iiyak ka, tatanungin mo ang sarili mo kung anong nagawa mo. Mapapraning ka kaiisip kung may iba naba sya. At kung may iba na sya, bakit sya naghanap ng iba. Hindi ba sya kuntento sayo? May mga bagay ba na kaya nyang ibigay na hindi mo kaya? Mas ramdam nya ba yung pagmamahal ng isa kaysa sa pagmamahal mo sa kanya? O… minahal ka nga ba nya talaga?

Bakit nga ba sa mga relasyon, nandyan yung naiiwan. Yung umaasa, yung nasasaktan, yung pinabayaan, yung nagiisang nagmamahal.

Kasi may martir. Imposible namang hindi mo alam na wala na syang nararamdaman para sayo. Imposible namang wala kang maramdamang panlalamig mula sa kanya.Imposible namang hindi mo naramdaman na may mali na sa relasyon nyo.

Alam mong mali pero pinagpapatuloy mo.



Bakit may nasasaktan? Kasi may nagpapakasakit.

Bakit may naiiwan? Kasi may nagpapaiwan.

Bakit may nagpapaiyak? Kasi may umiiyak.



Bakit ka nasasaktan, e parte nyang nararamdaman mong sakit ay dahil na din sa mga desisyon mo. Desisyon mo na ipagpatuloy kahit masakit na. Desisyon mo na umasa na maayos ang lahat. Desisyon mo magmahal, kahit alam mong walang patutunguhan.

First boyfriend.

Third year HS ako nung una akong nagka boyfrined. Ang lame ko diba? Putangina ba? At dahil thrid year na nga ako nun, halos lahat nang mga kaibigan ko nagkaka lovelife na. Ang malala pa sa iba, sa school pa ang kanilang mga chorva. Edi ang saklap. Napagiiwanan na ang lola mo. Ang mga puta ang saya saya na tapos ako, nada. Kaloka. Waley na waley ang byuti!

Hindi naman sa walang nanliligaw. May mga manliligaw ako no. Ako pa. (Whut) Kaso ang magulang ko kasi ay napaka higpit at grabeng walang tiwala sa akin. Yung tipong ang cellphone ko ay kukunin kapag gabi. Huhu. Kaya nagipon pa tuloy ako noon para makabili nang sarili kong selepono. Ang galing ko e.

Ayun na nga ang aking first boyfriend. Mas matanda sya sakin nang apat na taon. Matured ba. Pero hindi mature na bastos. Uhm, matured na okay lang. Ayun. Crush ko kasi sya. Tapos ayun. Tapos nung mga unang month, sobrang head over heels ako sa kanya. Dahil siguro sa sya ang una kong boyfriend. Tapos halos ako lagi nagtetext, pinupuntahan ko sya, nireregaluhan kapag may okasyon. Kalokang effort! Tapos sya, binabalewala nya ako.

Hindi ko tuloy alam kung na inlove talaga ako sa kanya o dahil lang sa idea nang boyfriend, kaya ako na inlove sa kanya. Masyado yata kasi akong nagmadali para maramdaman ang love. Kaya ngayon parang iwas na ang pagibig sa akin.

Lahat siguro nang nangyayari ngayon ay dahil na rin sa first boyfried ko. Siguro kung hindi nangyari ang mga yon noon, hindi ako ganito ngayon, ibang tao siguro ako ngayon.

Bale, hindi ako masaya sa first boyfriend ko. Hindi katulad nang iba, hindi memorable ang akin, hindi pang diary, hindi pang MMK, hindi yung mga tipong may hihintayin kita effect, hindi yung sya pa din ang mahal ko, at lalong hindi yung walang tatalo sa first love (at alam kong hindi sya ang first love ko, at least.) walang kwenta yung first boyfriend story ko. Walang butterflies. Walang violins. Walang kiliti. Walang electricity na nararamdaman. Walang pagtigil nang mundo kapag magkasama. Wala halos kilig moments. Walang pag ibig na namagitan.

Nakakapang hinayang. Marunong pa sana ako magmahal ngayon.

Natuto na ba ako?

Anong laban nang 'totoo' sa 'tama'?

E ano nga bang laban nang great love sa correct love?

Ang daming nagmamahalan na hindi nagkakatuluyan. Ang daming mag syota nang matagal na pero hindi nagwawakas sa piling nang isa’t isa. Ang daming nagmamahalan na nauuwi sa hiwalayan.

Minsan kasi, yung taong mahal na mahal mo, hindi mo makasundo. Lagi kayong nag aaway, lagi kayong hindi nagkakaintindihan, laging lahat nang pinaguusapan ay mauuwi sa sigawan. Kayo na yung para sa isa’t isa e. Yun na yun e. Pero dahil paulit ulit ang hindi pagkakaintindihan, magkakasawaan kayo. Tapos mauuwi kayo pareho sa piling nang iba. Pero yung pagmamahal na naramdaman nyo sa isa’t isa ay iba sa nararamdaman nyo sa bago. Alam nyong mas mahal nyo padin ang iniwan nyo pero wala na kayong magawa kasi nandyan na yung isa. Kasi nandyan na yung isang perpekto, yung lagi mo nakakasundo, yung masaya kayo at walang problema. Yung mas hindi mo mahal. Yung dapat.

Sa naisip kong ganitong konsepto, nagdududa na tuloy ako sa pagiibigan nang magulang ko. Nagmahalan ba talaga sila? Kasi magkakilala na sila mula pa nung pagkabata. Naisip ko tuloy na maaring nag settle lang sila sa isa’t isa dahil ayan na yun e. Sure love na. Dagdag pa na dumaan na sila sa pagkakataong nag away—muntik nang maghiwalay dahil nagkababae ang papa at nanlalake ang mama. Maaring yung mga naging kabit nila ay yung mga totoong minahal nila di ba? Tapos hindi lang nila maiwan ang isa’t isa dahil kasal nga sila at nandito kaming mga anak nila. Maari diba?

Masaya kaya sila talaga sa estado nang relasyon nila ngayon? Totoo kayang sa loob nang madaming taon nilang mag asawa, sa loob nang halos buong buhay nilang magkakilala, ang pag ibig na naramdaman nila sa isa’t isa ay hindi na mahahanap sa iba? O baka may mas minahal pa silang iba pero dahil maaga sila natali sa isa’t isa, wala na silang magawa?

Masaya kaya sila dahil ang tatag nang relasyon nila? O nagdurugo ang pagkatao nila dahil may iba silang mahal tapos hindi nila maipaglaban dahil meron nang tama na nakalaan para sa kanila.

Ilan sa mga mag asawa ngayon ang totoong nagmamahalan? Yung kahit ni isang linyang kasinungalingan, hindi nabahiran? Meron pa kaya? Meron kaya?

Nangungulila.

Kung masaya ka sa estado nang pagibig mo, hindi para sayo to. Pero kung gusto mo basahin, bahala ka. Kung ayaw mo, bahala ka din. Bahala ka na sa buhay mo haha.

Kelan ka ba huling nagmahal? Kelan ka ba huling nagmahal nang totoo? Yung may maghahatid sayo tuwing may pagkakataon, yung may susundo sayo kapag napagplanuhan o kahit hindi, yung gusto mo pa lang sumandal ay papasandalin ka na, yung gusto mong mag diet pero papakainin ka nang papakainin, yung pupunasan yung pawis mo gamit ang panyo nya, yung ka halikan mo sa inuman, yung pagbabawalan kang mag yosi pero sya nagyoyosi din, yung dahilan nang pag load mo araw araw, yung dahilan nanang pagkapuyat mo gabi gabi, yung dahilan nang pagsisinungaling mo sa magulang mo, yung magaaway kayo nang mag aaway pero magbabati din kayo, yung laging nagtatanong kung nasan ka na, yung daig pa magulang mo. Kelan ba yung huling pagkakataong may nag I love you sayo?

Narealize mo ba ngayon kung gaano ka ka single at kung gaanong inggit na inggit ka na sa mga taken? Oo, kinakausap ko po ang sarili ko. Haha. Nakakaawa ako diba? Kanina sa jeep may katabi, sa isang side ko, mag asawa, magkaakbay, sa isang side ko naman, mag boyfriend, wagas makapag PDA. Ang sakit. Parang niloloko ako nang pangyayari. Haha. Grabe wagas ang awa ko sa pagiging single ko.

Oo masarap maging single. Oo at walang tatalo sa pagiging malaya at walang iniisip na boyfriend. Pero may tatalo ba na sa pagiging masaya mo mag isa, may dadamay sayo? Kelan ba mas naging masaya ang pagiisa? Minsan kailangan nating mag isa. Totoo. Pero nakakamatay yung walang kasama habang buhay. Ibig sabihin, mahirap maging single habang buhay.

At ngayon, ako ay nasa puntong gustong gusto ko na ma inlove. Gusto kong may ka holding hands habang naglalakad. Gusto kong mawalan ako nang time sa tumblr dahil may boylet na ako. Gusto kong mainspire sa pag aaral dahil sa lalake. Gusto kong may nilalandi sa inuman. Gusto kong may pumigil saking mag yosi pero nagyoyosi sya kaya mag aaway kami tapos kinabukasan, mag so sorry ako. Gusto kong tumakas sa magulang ko para makipagkita sa kanya. Gusto kong magmahal.

Ang tagal nang blanko nang puso ko. Literal na blanko. Na halos wala nang nararamdaman. May mga dumadating naman pero kapag hindi ko tipo, hindi talaga. Hindi naman sa choosy akong tao, gusto ko lang talaga ay yung ikatitibok nang puso ko. Hindi yung kapag may lumapit ay grab agad.

Okay lang sakin yung kakakilala ko lang. E ano naman? Wala naman sa tagal yan e. Hindi naman time ang sukatan e. Kung kelan titibok, go na! Yun na yun! Ang problema, hindi na yata titibok itong akin. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari…

Hindi ko alam kung kelan ang huling pagkakataong “totoong” kinilig ako. Hindi ko tanda yung kung kelan “totoong” nasaktan ako. Ang daming pagpapanggap na nangyari sa buhay ko… diko na alam kung anong totoo.

Tumatanda na ako… mag isa.

Like a Virgin

Unang una, virgin ako. At nakaka proud. Hehe.

Parang kahapon ka chat ko yung ka grupo ko. Sabi ko “Tangina kayo kasama ko? Ako lang ang genuine na virgin o.” Tapos sabi nya “Virgin ka lang sa katawan te. Laspag na utak mo.” See the difference guys? May mga ganon talaga. Yung ang lalaswa nang mga sinasabi, yung ang daming alam pero sila pa yung walang nararanasan. Oo meron. Ako yun e.

May mga virgin na sobrang walang alam. Yung may marinig lang na puke tite o kahit ano mang bastos na word, bigla nalang silang tatahimik at tila ba nagagahasa ang pagkatao.

May mga virgin na sobrang daming alam. Mas madami pang alam sa nakaranas na, lumalabas na tuloy silang kaladkarin pero alam nila sa sarili nila na walang pang nagagawa sa kanila.

May mga virgin na sinasabing hindi na sila virgin kahit virgin pa talaga sila para lang maging cool. May ganun talaga e. Depende sa mga kaibigan mo. Kung lahat nang kaibigan mo ay hindi na virgin at ikaw virgin pa, ay kawawa diba. Kaya sasabihin mo nalang na hindi ka na virgin dahil sa peer pressure.

Meron namang mga nagpapa virgin. Sasabihing virgin ka pa kahit hindi na. Depende sa taong kasama. Halimbawa yung boyfriend nya ay virgin pa. Nakakahiya naman daw sabihing hindi na sya virgin kaya kunware virgin nalang sya.

Sabi nila kapag nag sex daw, malalaman daw kung virgin o hindi yung babae. Pero sabi nang prof ko dati, hindi naman daw ganun yun e. Pwede naman daw hindi dumugo yung chorva nang babae e. Pwede din naman daw hindi masakit ang unang pasok e. Nasa tamang gawa daw yun at nasa kahabaan at kasarapan nang foreplay. So kung ang babae ay medyo maalam sa buhay, kaya nya talagang i fake ang pag ka virgin nya. Katulad nang pag ka fake nila sa orgasm. Yes, mapanlinlang ang mga babae pows.

Bakit nga ba iniingatan ang virginity? Well hindi naman lahat iniingatan ang virginity. Sa mga babae mahalaga yun. Sa mga lalake ba? Hindi ko alam e. So dun tayo sa part nang mga babae.

Sa amin, napaka halaga nito. Kahit pa dun sa mga laspag na at parang wala nang halaga ang sex, ang una nila ay siguradong pinapahalagahan nila o siguradong tanda pa din nila.

Syempre alangan namang kalimutan mo yung unang una mong pinag alayan nang sarili mo. Hindi naman basta basta bumubuka ang mga babae e. Mahirap para sa kanila yun. Nakakaiyak kaya. Mas nakakaiyak pa kapag yung boyfriend nya, gustong makipag sex sa kanya tapos kapag tinanggihan nang babae, sasabihin nang lalake “Ano ba. Hindi mo naman yata ako mahal e” Tapos sasabihin nang babae. “Hindi naman dun nasusukat yun e” (with matching cry cry) Tapos mag wo walk out ang lalake tapos mag so sorry. Kasabay nang pag intindi nya sayo ay ang pagbabago nang pagtingin nya sayo at paghanap nang ibang kepyas.

Kung gano kaimportante sa babae i preserve ang virginity, ganon din ka importante sa lalake makuha ang virginity. Nakakaloka. Mga lalake talaga. (Not being bias here, babae lang talaga ako. Wag nyoko aawayin)

Mahal mo sya. Tapos… wala na.

Kapag mahal mo, pero hindi ka mahal. Ang hirap di ba? Lalo na kung mahal mo, hindi ka mahal tapos hindi pa nya alam. Dagdagan pa nating kaibigan mo sya. So that makes it, mahal mo sya as hindi pang friend pero mahal ka nya as a friend.

Masakit pero wala kang magagawa e. Kaibigan ka nya e. Iniisip mo na baka iwasan ka nya. Na baka malaman ng iba mo pang kaibigan, nakakahiya. Iniisip mo na baka magbago lahat. Okay na sayo na lagi mo sya katext. Okay na sayo na kamustahin ka man lang nya. Okay na sayo na nagaalala sya. Hindi nga lang okay sayo na bilang kaibigan lang.

Ngunit paano kapag ganyan din ang nararamdaman nya? Paano kapag ayaw lang din nya mawala yung kung anong meron kayo? At pipiliin nalang din nya yung pinili mo, ang panatilihin ang pagkakaibigan at huwag nalang magsalita. Edi habang buhay kayong namuhay sa “sayang”?

Ang hirap diba? Malay mo, importante ka din sa kanya gaya nung pagpapahalaga mo sa kanya. Pero pano kapag hindi? Malay mo higit na din sa kaibigan ang tingin nya sayo. Pero paano kung hindi?

“Feeling ko mahal nya din ako.”

PAANO KUNG HINDI? Edi nawala lahat? Handa ka bang isakripisyo ang pahkakaibigan nyo? Handa ka bang isakripisyo ang tanging dahilan kaya nagkakasama kayo? Kaya mo bang iwanan ang pagkakaibigan para sa pag-ibig na walang kasiguraduhan?

Kapag mahal ka din, swerte mo. May kaibigan(friend) na, may kaibigan(lover) pa. Pero kapag hindi ka mahal, mawawala pareho sayo.
Ang saklap. Ang hirap. Pero ganon talaga e. Ganon talaga.

Sa sampung kaibigan mo ilan yung totoo? Ilan yung hindi ka sinasabihan nang masama kapag nakatalikod ka? Ilan yung walang intensyong kahit ano sayo? Ilan yung ang totoong pagkakaibigan lang ang hanap? Meron ba? Talaga? Weh?

Ilan yung sasabihing “Okay lang yun” kapag nagkamali ka tapos ayos lang talaga? Yung iba kasi sasabihing okay lang tapos ang mukha nila ay gusot na gusto na.

Yung ibang kaibigan mo, kapag wala ka na nung kailangan nila, ine etsapwera ka na. Yung mga mag te text lang sayo kapag may kailangan lang sila. Ang mga putangina. Maseswerte sila a.

Yung iba kinaibigan ka lang dahil kilala mo yung type nila. Yung iba kinakaibigan ka lang dahil sikat ka at kapag kaibigan ka nila, sisikat din sila. Ang putanginang user. Hindi pa namatay.

Yung iba namimili nang kaibigan. Gusto gwapo. Gusto maganda. Ano ito pageant?

Ang dami kong issues tungkol sa mga kaibigan ko. Actually, kaunti lang ang totoo. Yung iba tinetext lang ako dahil laging mangungutang. Tapos nung napa utang ko, hindi na ako kinontakt.. Kaibigan ko sya nang 13 years tapos uutang at hindi babayaran at mag tatago? So kailangang iwanan ang pagkakaibigan namin dahil umutang sya? Nakakaloka. Sya na nga ata ang pinaka matagal kong kaibigan e. Tapos ganon.

Yung iba hindi tanggap ang bisyo ko. Hindi tanggap na umiinom ako at nagyoyosi ako. Kaya kapag kasama ko sila sa school, ibang ibang tao ako. Sobrang iba. Na dadaan kami sa mausok na lugar tapos halos lahat sila magrereklamo “Ang baho naman. Nakakainis naman yung mga nagyoyosi” At tapos ako, tahimik lang. Alangan namang umayon ako na nakakainis ako? Nakakainis kasi pakiramdam ko, kapag sinabi ko yung mga ginagawa kong yan, aayawan na nila ako. Ayoko mag take nang risk at mawalan ako nang kasama. E sino bang gustong mawalan nang kasama. Meron ba? Ayaw ko e.

Meron namang mga kaibigan mo lang sa kasiyahan. Na kapag nagkalokohan na, iwanan na. Na kapag may inuman, ang saya saya nyo. Puta tagay pa. Todo todo walang preno. Tapos pag uwian na, at ikaw, walang mapuntahan, sila kanya kanyang uwi na. Iisipin mo, “Pano ko uy.” Tapos sasabihin nila.“Kailangan ko na umuwi e.” Alam kong hindi nila responsibilidad ang titirahan ko pero putangina damay damay naman o! Hindi yung hanggang saya lang. Nakaka demonyo e.

Mahirap magkaron nang kaibigan na nandyan para sa iyong ~bangag times~ and ~hulas times~. Mahirap magkaroon nang perfect na kaibigan. Sa aking part, iba ang kasama ko sa bangagan, iba ang kasama ko sa eskwelahan, iba ang kasama ko sa pag chill lang. Nakakatuwa kapag merong Friend all in one. Kaso ang imposible yata. Ang swerte nung mga meron.

Confession

Gusto kong magpalit nang magulang.

Alam kong ang swerte ko dahil may magulang ako. Alam kong ang swerte ko dahil pinalaki nila ako, pinag aral, inaruga at kung ano ano pa. Alam kong sa pagsabi kong ayaw ko sa mga magulang ko ay maraming mamumuhi sa akin.

Pero kung sila ba naman ang nasa pwesto ko.

Disinwebe anyos na ako pero kapag lumalabas ako at hindi nagpapaalam, kung murahin ako nang tatay ko kala mo hindi ako anak. Nung kinse ako, may nakita lang na text sa phone ko, binangasan ako. (Namula ang mata ko, may namuong dugo). Dose ako nung may mga nakitang quotes sa phone ko. (QUOTES! For fucks sake) Tapos dinelete lahat nang contacts ko dahil ang landi landi ko daw. Disinwebe na ako pero kapag hindi ako magtetext kung nakauwi na ako, kung maka pag utos kala mo may katulog sila. Uuwi ako nang bahay para magpahinga mula sa mahabang week sa manila, kapag nakahiga lang ako buong araw, galit na galit. Umuwi lang daw ako nang bahay para matulog. (ANONG GUSTO MO? MAGKWENTUHAN TAYO??)

Hindi man dapat, pero nasasakal ako! Ayoko nang ganito. Sana alam nyong ayoko nang buhay ko na ibinigay nyo. Sana alam nyong hindi ko hiniling na masakal nang ganito. Alam kong gusto nyo lang yung ikabubuti ko. Pero sana alam nyo na ayoko nito. Nakakasakal. Mahal ko kayo pero kailangan ko nang pagiintindi nyo. Kailangan ko nang lugar, nang espasyo para sa sarili ko. Para sarili ko naman yung iniisip ko, hindi kayo. Para makapag saya naman ako kahit minsan na walang iniisip na magulang na magagalit sakin dahil sa mga pinaggagagawa ko. Nakakalungkot na humantong tayo sa ganito.

JOURNALISM VERSUS LITERATURE


By Nick Joaquin
Presented at the 1996 Magsaysay Awardees’ Lecture Series
Magsaysay Center, Manila

TO ALL OF YOU HERE: PEACE. AND GOD LOVES YOU.

Very grateful am I for the Magsaysay Award given me and I like to think that it honors both my work in journalism and my work in literature. In other words, that it honors both Quijano de Manila (that's me as journalist) and Nick Joaquin (that's me as litterateur).

I say this because many think I am a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde—although they're not at all agreed about which of me is Dr. Jekyll and which is Mr. Hyde. Some say that as creative writer I'm all right but that as journalist I'm strictly potboiler; others opine that'it's the newsman in me who's the true writer because the supposed artist is a fake. Of course, there are also those who believe that Nick Joaquin and Quijano de Manila are both equally hack. And I have this sinking feeling that it may be they who are bull's-eye; the others are just bull.

However, I bring me up as a Jekyll-Hyde split personality because my subject is Journalism versus Literature?—with a question mark—and I think that my own particular case can shed some light on that riddle.

When I first went into journalism, I had already done a bit of verse and fiction and was hailed as so "promising" that my admirers were shocked to learn that I had joined the Philippines Free Press, which was a newsmagazine. They all wailed that journalism would be the death of me as a creative writer. But I needed a good-paying writing job and I didn't have such exalted ideas of me as a "creative writer." If journalism was purely hack writing, as was the belief of the literary snobs of that time (I am speaking of the 1950s and '60s), I had this equally pretentious belief that I could create a journalism of my own, a new journalism as "creative" as any poem or novel. And so I did reportage like the "House on Zapote Street" and "The Boy Who Wanted to Become Society."

By the way, these efforts of mine antedated the "New Journalism" in the United States as my own "magic realism" ("May Day Eve," "The Mass of St. Sylvester," "Dona Jeronima," "Candido's Apocalypse," etc.) antedated the magic realism of the American Latinos.

Anyway, my journalistic writing developed in me an understanding of writing in general. You know, actors say there are no small parts, there are only small performers. So I say there are no hack-writing jobs, they are only hack writers. If you look down on your material, if you despise it, then you'll do a hack job. But journalism trained me never, never to feel superior to whatever I was reporting, and always, always to respect an assignment, whether it was a basketball game, or a political campaign, or a fashion show, or a murder case, or a movie-star interview. As J. D. Salinger admonished (but this ain't a verbatim quote) I was always shining for the fat housewife in the third row. I remember this young poet scandalized by this article I did on Nora Aunor. Wrote this young poet: "Nick Joaquin is writing about Nora Aunor! Nick Joaquin has become a bakya writer!" But that article lives as one of the best essays on Miss Aunor because she was not bakya to me and I did not go bakya on her.

So that was the first vital thing I learned in journalism: that every report must be done as if you were reporting on the parting of the Red Sea, or the Battle of Pinaglabanan, or the splitting of the atom. Good reportage is telling it as it is but at the same time telling it knew, telling it surprising, telling it significant. The good reporter should become so absorbed in the story that he becomes invisible in it and the story seems to be telling itself. That is the basis of an old, old maxim: Trust the tale, not the teller. I can claim in the Quijano de Manila reportage, you don't see Quijano de Manila at all. You see only the actual characters involved in the event that's being reported. So, as you read, that event is not just something being related to you but something happening right before your eyes.

This was the technique I learned in journalism that I brought over into literature when I began doing oral history and oral biography. I may have been the first Filipino reporter to use the tape recorder extensively. And I certainly am the first Filipino writer to use the tape recorder for literary purposes—if you are willing to grant that my essays in oral history and oral biography are literature.

I have pioneered in these two latter forms: oral history (for example: The Quartet of the Tiger Moon) and oral biography (for example: Doy Laurel in Profile) but, like all new inventions, these "novels" of mine have not been fully understood yet, let alone appreciated. One lady who figured in an oral biography of mine remarked that she had expected in it more "Nick Joaquin and his insights." But that precisely is what I try to avoid: a predominance of the Nick Joaquin presence. If I am writing about, say, Doy Laurel, then I want that book to be a portrait of Doy Laurel, I do not want that book to be a portrait of Nick Joaquin as biographer.

Now that is one illustration of how journalism influenced my literary work—and influenced it for the better. The so-called creative writer tends to be too subjective, too obsessed with him. That's why I think every aspiring young writer should spend some years as a news reporter, so he will be obliged to step out of his own private world and to experience the world outside. This will not only train him to be observant and objective, it may also save him from eccentricity, the danger that faces every creative writer. The newsman has to report who, what, when, where, why, and how as clearly as possible so that even people on the run can read him.

The newsman cannot afford to be eccentric.

Eccentricity is such a temptation to the creative writer because he tends to be self-indulgent. In the Philippines especially, where so few read him, he may be tempted to indulge in his fancies and foibles. He feels under no obligation to communicate clearly because he knows that his readers are mostly his own fellow writers and that he can play games with them.

But what journalism demands is responsible writing. The reporter is duty-bound to communicate—and to communicate as sensibly as possible. He must not play games with the reading public: communication is a serious business. But too many creative writers believe that, if communication is the business of journalism, literature is different, because the business of literature is expression—or, to be more specific, self-expression. And here the responsibility is only to oneself.

That egotism is the kind of sickness that tenure in journalism can very effectively cure.

On the other hand, the journalist is also sick who believes that he does not have to write well to produce good reportage, which actually thinks a graceful style is out of place in journalism. But if the responsibility of the writer is to communicate as clearly and sensibly as possible, then he must have as good a command of expression as any creative writer. A newsman who is careless with his grammar is being as irresponsible as a newsman who is careless with his facts. And the speed and enterprise with which he got the scoop cannot justify a reporter who cannot tell a news story coherently.

If the creative writer needs more training in responsible communication, the news writer needs more training in fine expression, even self-expression—especially today in the Philippines, when the news writers cannot even get the gender of their pronouns right. A breakdown in language means a breakdown in communication. Unless our news organs improve the quality of their expression, we are headed for cultural babel. The "New Illiteracy" predicted by Marshall McLuhan may get speeded up when the reading public, in sheer disgust and despair, give up on the newspapers and turn exclusively to the electronic media.

Myself, I don't believe that the death of reading will occur within my lifetime. I think that newspapers and books will continue to be prevalent in the 21st century, in the 2000s of Anno Domini. (I'm not saying I am expecting to be still prevalent then myself!) Nor do I think that the current ungrammatical period of the Philippine press signifies merely the decay of English in this country and not the decay of communication and expression in general.

It's the local press that shows itself irresponsible when it allows on its pages reporters who do now know how to report in correct language, copyeditors and proofreaders who do not know how to spot the errors in such reports, and editors who do not know how to edit.

As for the supposed decay of English in the Philippines, how is that possible at a time when the younger generation of Filipino writers in English is gaining recognition abroad, and Philippine English itself is being accepted in the English-speaking world as a legitimate voice in the chorus of international Englishes? And being accepted, what's more and at last, right here in the Philippines as a valid Filipino language.

I have little doubt that "Philippines 2000" will still is in English during the 21st century. And I have no doubt at all that by then the alleged emulation between journalism and literature will have been resolved. In fact, I can almost hear the referee bawling out the decision: "And the winner is ... journalism!"

It doesn't take a magus to discern that literature is taking a back seat to journalism. Poetry, drama, fiction—all these that we mean when we say literature—are obviously undergoing a change in life, a rite of passage. I don't mean they are on the decline. What I feel is that they are being reviewed, reassessed, reclassified. And I fear that literature has been taken down a few ranks and ratings. If it used to occupy the room at the top, it no longer does.

The demotion can be explained by a radical change in the human intellect. Until the 17th century the prime wheel in that intellect was what we call imagination. But with the 17th century came what T. S. Eliot called "dissociation of sensibility."

I will give this a graphic interpretation by picturing the mind of man as a bookstore. If a modern bookstore, it will have some shelves labeled "Fiction" and other shelves labeled "Non-Fiction." But if an ancient bookstore, it would have no such division: all the shelves would simply be labelled -"Literature," and side by side on them would be Plato and Cervantes, the Arabian Nights and the Letters of Saint Paul, the Mathematics of Euclid and the Travels of Marco Polo. In other words, that ancient bookstore represents the natural coexistence of poetry and science in the human mind until the so-called dissociation of sensibility, represented by the division of Literature into Fiction and Non-Fiction. Since then, the split has so worsened that the impending human mind will have to be represented by a bookstore in which a single solitary shelf is labeled "Fiction," and a thousand other shelves are labeled "Non-Fiction."

In other words, the mind of man is no longer synonymous with imagination. The chief wheels now in that intellect is what we call information. We do not want fancies we want facts. And to modern eyes, literature is mere fancy but journalism is brutal fact. And we want our facts as brutal as possible. We want straight news we want information.

This is abundantly demonstrated by the sex books of Kinsey and company and by the sex columnists in the dailies who discuss virtually everything (from penis dimensions to vaginal smells). The popularity of the so-called how-to books is another indication, as is the increasing number of desk—or even pocket—encyclopedias. And we know that the intelligentsia would prefer to read a critique of Jose Garcia Villa rather than read Garcia Villa himself.

But the popular press provides the best proof of this change in sensibility. We of the prewar generation were brought up on American magazines like the Saturday Evening Post, the Cosmopolitan, The New Yorker, and the various female home journals. In prewar days, each issue of these magazines carried at least four or five short stories, a couple of poems, and two serialized novels. So, the bulk of the contents of these magazines were formed by fiction, while the least important part was formed by the non-fiction, consisting of, at most, two articles.

Today the reverse is true. The bulk of the contents of these magazines is now formed by its reportage, its factual articles. Journalism has taken over literature has almost disappeared. No more poetry or fiction: the popular press is now exclusively devoted to non-fiction. Before the war, The New Yorker was famous for its cartoons, its poetry, and its short stories. Today The New Yorker is celebrated for its reportage, its profiles, its news-interpretive essays. It now limits itself to a single short story per issue, and the poetry it publishes might as well be prose.

This trend is even more marked in the Philippines, where the Sunday supplements of the newspapers have completely eliminated fiction and poetry, and "literature" survives only in the few weeklies still publishing verse and short stories.

According to what I hear, this is a worldwide trend. In every country, in every culture, the popular preference is for journalism, not literature. If people are still reading, they read, not for the magic of imagination, but for the profits of information. And the exceptions that prove this rule are science fiction and the Mills and Boon type of romances. Science fiction is not really a work of imagination: it is practically a news report on technology in progress. Nor is the Mills and Boon type of pop romance a department of fiction: it's actually a continuation of the old magazines called True Confessions or Real Romances, and is an extension of the newspaper columns offering advice to the lovelorn where distressed readers expose their love lives or describe their sex problems.

The sacrament of penance has been transferred to newsprint, and Dr. Kinsey and Mrs. Holmes today represent the true priesthood of. The old religion of Church and Scripture has been superseded by the new religion of news coverage and TV prime time.

The world 2000 will be the beat of journalism, the territory of non-fiction.

If I wasn't so honest (hey, my name is Candido!) I would claim that I spotted this trend and it's why I shifted from fiction to non-fiction. But actually in this racket you have to play it by ear—and most of the time you're just borne along by the current of events.

When I did my first non-fiction book I was borne along by the mighty current called Ninoy Aquino. This was in 1971 and Ninoy's purpose was frankly to have usable propaganda for his presidential campaign.

But he said to me: "Nick, you have always wanted to have your say on Philippine history. Well, here's your chance. This need not be just a book about Ninoy Aquino. What I want," explained Ninoy, "is a book of the Aquinos of Tarlac—and the history of the Aquinos embraces the Revolution; the American advent; the First, Second, and Third Republics; the Pacific War and its aftermath; and the Roxas, Quirino, Magsaysay, Macapagal, and Marcos eras. In other words, the book can be a history of the Philippines from the dawn of ilustrado activism in the 1870s to the dawn of youth activism in the 1970s."

That's how Ninoy Aquino described what he wanted from me and right away I saw the form of the book I would write, which I would subtitle: "A Study of History as Three Generations," because it's about Ninoy, his father, and grandfather.

But I did not write the book as history in the usual sense of the word. I was no scholar and I certainly did not want a scholarly treatise. I was a newsman and I wanted a journalistic account of those three Aquino generations. So I went about it in my usual newsmanly way: tape recorder and legwork. I interviewed as many people as I could who had the information I needed. So what I produced was a work of reportage.

But today I don't think of that book, The Aquinos of Tarlac, as reportage or journalism or history or biography. I simply think of it as literature, in the same way (but of course not in the same degree) that Gibbons and Spengler are today simply literature. When Virginia Woolf was asked in the 1930s about the state of the English novel, she replied that the English novel was being re-created by five men: James Joyce, T. S. Eliot, E. M. Forster, Lytton Strachey, and D. H. Lawrence. Now of these five, only three are novelists. One, T. S. Eliot, was a poet and another, Lytton Strachey, was a biographer-historian. But in Virginia Woolf s mind, all good writing is literature and there are no barriers between fiction and non-fiction.

This is becoming the general attitude today. The literary snob's disdaining of journalism is a thing of the past, now that the greatest literary artists are producing reportage. Hemingway, who started out as a news reporter, ended up as foreign correspondent, and four of his books are reportage: Death in the Afternoon, The Green Hills of Africa, The Dangerous Summer, and A Moveable Feast. Norman Mailer has done reports on prize fights and election campaigns, while Truman Capote wrote what he called "a non-fiction novel"—In Cold Blood—that may outlive his actual fiction. Edmund Wilson was respected as a critic but may be remembered more as reporter of prewar culture and postwar politics. Following his lead, the top American writers of today, from Gore Vidal to John Updike, have been recorders of the passing scene, covering the global village as cultural and political journalists. In a reversal of the trend, we have fiction masquerading as reportage: I am referring, of course, to E. L. Doctorow and novels of his like Ragtime.

What all this adds up to is a transfiguration of the image of journalism. The classic image of it survives in a play like The Front Page, where every reporter is a wisecracking tough guy and every editor would sell his old mother for a scoop. The image today is not so romantic. Journalism has grown up; no more of the old braggadocio. Its fights are more serious now that it is seriously a faith, a freedom, a force. And it is therefore attracting the serious intellectual.

In the old days, a creative writer went into academe to earn his daily bread. Today he goes into journalism—and no more does he have to apologize for doing so. The Philippine press has found room for the brightest talents of Philippine literature, from Gregorio Brillantes to Wilfredo Nolledo to Jose Lacaba to Alfredo Yuson. That's a big enough indication that the Philippine press has deepened and widened and matured, if it can accommodate such wild, wild geniuses!

So, the question of Journalism versus Literature? No longer has to be asked. The old feud is over and the two rivals are now more or less on even terms. If journalism has been upgraded to literature, literature is being reinvented as a species of reportage. In the some five decades I have been in journalism, those are the developments that I find most moving—because my own writing career has moved in the same direction: from fiction to reportage, and from reportage to non-fiction as literature.

Even the Magsaysay Award just given me is a coming full circle. After some five decades of reporting news, I find myself, in a modest way, making news.

During this time of award-winning, the real newsmakers were Sarah Balabagan and Onyok Velasco and I have to admit I felt proud that even if only for a moment I was almost right up there with Onyok and Sarah. Not to mention Mari Mar. Sikat, ha! Not that I coveted the spotlight; I do not. And this ain't modesty. I'm just being practical. You see, I ride bus and jeepney, I eat at turo turo, I drink at kanto beer joints. And you can't do that if you have a spotlight trained on you, making your face recognizable even by strangers.

However, the good thing about the celebrity spotlight is that it is so fickle it never stays long. The longest it stays on any one person is fifteen minutes, or so the saying goes. And I know that even as I stand here to be applauded, that spotlight is already moving on, moving away, is already going ... going... gone!

So now I have had my fifteen minutes of celebrity.

And what a relief it is over.

Goodbye! Goodbye!

(And good riddance.)

Thank you. I have spoken.